sadRunner

I hate when people who have never been depressed give me their opinions about whether or not I should be taking anti-depressants. Are you my doctor? Do you know my full medical and family history? Have you spent days and nights with someone suffering from a mental illness?

I really feel that the only reason I’m still here today is those little pills. I get it, lots of people take them, maybe even too many, I’ll agree with you there. I disagree with uninformed general practitioners/OBGYNs prescribing psychiatry drugs without monitoring progress and such BUT there are many people out there with severe to moderate depression who need the medication. I’m doing weekly therapy, regular exercise, vitamins, sunshine, AND the medication and I’m still barely holding on some days. The medication is just a part of my program but it is an important part.

Another important misconception is that the meds are a quick fix that makes you “happy.” First of all, these meds can have some gnarly side effects and I really doubt people would be enduring the side-effects unless the alternative was quite a bit worse. Also, it can take weeks, months, years for the medication to get to a therapeutic level and work properly. You can’t just “pop one” when you’re having a bad day.

So when you tell me that I shouldn’t be taking medication all I hear is, “I would really rather you not be on this earth.” So to all those out there, shush it.

I had a bad day yesterday. I mean a really bad day. To be honest, nothing that terrible happened but my head just was not in the right place to handle anything. I had a minor meltdown. What does this mean? Basically, I decided that I was totally and utterly worthless because that’s what depression tries to tell you.

I did manage to go on a run last night. I did 2.7 miles in around 35 minutes which is super duper fast for me! Wahoo! I’m still having the same problem though. I start the run and I just don’t want to keep going and I really don’t feel like I can keep going until about mile 2. The first two miles are just TORTURE and then by the third mile, I’m enjoying it a little but then I start getting really tired and can only make it another mile or two before crashing.

I keep waiting for this to get easier. Pleeeease?

I suffer from major depression.

How do you describe depression? I feel like depression is a little like a morphing chameleon. It finds inventive ways to hide and wriggle away from any attempts to contain. For me, there are so many elements. First there is the pain; a bit like someone took a corkscrew and slowly wound it into my back and then attempted to pull it out, slowly. There are also the headaches, coming like waves with the ebb and flow of the moon but with less predictability and more throbbing. But, by far, the worst sensation of all is the battle raging in my mind. I’m not even sure how to describe it because it’s more like quicksand, sucking you in lower and lower and any attempt to struggle just seals your fate more quickly.

I’m in active treatment but it’s still hard. And exhausting. However, running has been my saving grace in the past few months. More to come on running and what it does to these struggles.